The Gift is in the Experience

I've been reading a lot about happiness lately, and something I read really struck me. We find more happiness in experiences rather than material goods. The new outfit, electronic gadget, car, etc makes us temporarily happy, but does not affect long term satisfaction. We get used to new things and adjust to them. Soon, the new possession is not all that exciting anymore. This makes a lot of sense to me because when I look back on my life thus far, I fondly remember experiences, not stuff. I can't tell you details about toys I had as a kid, but I can tell you about trips I took and adventures I had. These are the things I remember.

This has caused me to think a lot about what my husband and I can offer my stepdaughter when she is with us. For some time, I have been very intentional about what we do with her. I don't like unstructured time all that much. When my stepdaughter stays with us, I feel it is best for us to have something to do; otherwise, the alternative is usually to watch tv or for her to play by herself, which she doesn't like to do very much. My readings on happiness have really confirmed this approach I take to time with my stepdaughter. I plan to do a specific craft or go on a fun outing. I am trying to choose activities and outings that we both enjoy, so the time feels valuable for both of us. Luckily, my stepdaughter and I have quite a few interests in common--we like to read and visit the library, we both enjoy crafts, and we like to bake sweets!

I have reflected a lot on how we spend our time, and I have tried to choose activities that she doesn't do a lot with her mom. I don't want her to feel torn ever, and I like to create traditions that are new to us. For example, going to the library to read and check out books is a tradition that is unique to my stepdaughter and me.

In our consumer-driven society, we often receive messages and pressures to buy kids lots of things. We are made to feel that this is how you show love and care. It is tempting to go this route--it is certainly easier than spending quality time together. But, when I think about what has brought me joy in my life and helped me developed loving relationships with family and friends, I think about the experiences not the stuff. So, part of my role is to create new traditions with my stepdaughter and find experiences that both of us can enjoy.

Letting Go...

I have neglected updating this blog over the past few months, but I've made a resolution to write regularly. So, here I go...

There have been quite a few ups and downs in my journey as a stepmother. As in any relationship, there is a honeymoon period where everything is wonderful and perfect and has that beautiful Hollywood ending. After some time, however, all parties involved float back down to earth and face the day to day realities of life. After a few months, I found my idealistic vision of my family had some unrealistic and potentially dangerous kinks in it. I have many ideas about what my children will do and who they will be, and I found myself wanting to shape my stepdaughter's life in many of these areas. At first glance, my desire to throw myself into process seemed admirable and good, the right thing to do, the way to be loving and involved. But, I discovered some problems I needed to address.

At a number of different times, I found myself upset because my vision of "motherhood" and having a child was far different from my real experiences. I became disappointed because my expectations were not realistic. After several tearful conversations with my husband, some reflection of my own, and some consultation of "stepmother" experts out there, I realized I needed to look at some of the truths I had conveniently ignored: I am not her mother. I do not get to make the major decisions about her life. I will not always be able to control our family's schedule in the way I want to. We are not fully a "couple with kids" nor are we fully a "childless couple." I am not a mother; I am a stepmother, and there is a big difference.

Through this process, I realized I am somewhat of a control freak. I was feeling that so much of my life was out of my control, and this was distressing me. I needed to reframe how I see myself, what my role is in our family, and what my relationship with stepdaughter is and should be. I found that first and foremost, I needed to let go of some of the control I was trying so desperately to hold onto. And, I needed to focus on what I do have control over. After reflecting on these ideas I realized the following:

1. I can be a loving adult in my stepdaughter's life who cares for her, supports her, acts as a role model, and has fun with her.
2. I can honor the relationships my stepdaughter has with both her parents and do my part to support those very essential relationships; sometimes this may mean stepping back or letting go.
3. I can let go of the decisions and plans that are out of my control and make sure that my stepdaughter has a positive experience when she is at our house.
4. I can embrace the time my stepdaughter stays with us and plan fun outings, creative crafts, and feel good family time. And, I can embrace the time I have alone with my husband and socialize, travel, and generally do the things newly married couples do in their free time.
5. I can recognize that this is new to me and "let myself off the hook" from time to time. I can allow for a learning curve and recognize the successes rather than dwelling on the failures.

At this point, I feel as though I've resolved some of my initial conflicts. I have come to terms with reality--not in a negative way, but in a very real and healthy way. Of course I am still learning and working and improving, but I am more confident and secure in my role as stepmother.

What's in a name?

Last summer, before my husband and I got married, my stepdaughter started thinking about what she would call me. I didn't ask her to give me a new or special name, but she thought it might be necessary. She and I bounced a few ideas around and had some laughs in the process. She came up with the name steppy as an abbreviation for step-mommy. Ok, she doesn't actually call me steppy, but we occasionally do share it as an awfully cute story at dinner parties.

I am six months into stepmotherhood. When people asked me prior to the wedding whether or not I was nervous or apprehensive about becoming a stepmom, I said, "No way! This is easy!" In fact, I was honestly surprised people would even ask. I jumped in with both feet. I admit, I do have things easy. I have a great husband and wonderful stepdaughter. Even though I feel I have a rather ideal scenario, I have struggled with my transition into this role. Over the past few months, I've asked myself a number of questions. What does it mean to be an effective parent? What is my role when it comes to parenting? How do I honor the relationship my husband has with his daughter while forging a relationship with my stepdaughter? How do I balance work, marriage, and being a step-parent?

As I am avid self-help reader, I searched and found several books/websites on step-parenting. Much of what I read, however, focused on blended families. I found it hard to relate as this is my first (and only) marriage, and my stepdaughter is quite young. So, I decided to start this blog as way to reflect on my own experiences and work through the answers to some of the questions I've been asking myself.

-Steppy